Repent

Crazy Sunday.  That was my Sunday.  On the inside.  I felt this anxiety dripping everywhere, all day.  Small group ladies met up for accountability and encouragement.  The question laid out was, "What can we do to be better wives at this time?"  Honestly, I had no answer.  I just kept agreeing with everyone as I listened.  I was completely taken over...by nothing, and everything, my mind and heart racing.  It was really weird.

I lay awake at night waiting for Daniel to come warm up the cold sheets--still not calm.  The question still hanging in my heart.  Then the word comes... or was it the Word.

Repent.

I realize that I knew it all along.  I just didn't want to face it...again.

of a cold heart
of ingratitude
of pride
of ...

"The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object.  It is better to forget about yourself altogether."  (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Even then I find myself still eye-ing the mirror... my sinful self doesn't want to lose sight of itself...even if it is "a small, dirty object."

Turn around!
Abandon!

I stand here and wait.

so much going on inside my mind and heart... I'm so tired and can't think anymore though...

This mothering-of-two-wee-ones is a hard business.

in the kitchen

I envy those moms who let their kids help in the kitchen and do other chores around the house without worrying about things not going their way... and just have fun with their kids.  I am too fearful to do that.  Crumbs, kitchen messes... they stress me out (what doesn't?) and I'd rather not have a toddler "help" me so I can just get things done my way.  But more than those kinds of messes, I fear the emotional messes...as Ari often ends up getting frustrated with things and it becomes hard to have fun.

I would like to let go of this "fear" of messes a bit.  Today I let my toddler girl help me make a big pot of lentil soup while Ti surprisingly napped for three hours in the afternoon.  (Naomi, if you're reading this, I used your opened bag of dried lentils...hope that is okay!  It's so hard to see food we've missed and not eat them! :( )
She usually tries to do EVERYTHING herself but today she was pretty content watching me getting the veggies ready...so I guess it wasn't really a big "test" for my attempt at letting go.  It was fun and I hope to do this more often.

eating a carrot piece

cooking "Korean style"

enjoying frozen strawberry smoothie I made this morning

holding hands

Ari is not much of a snuggler... I don't know if this is because she is just a busy toddler yet and I'm just expecting too much at this time...or maybe I've hurt her little toddler heart and soul and she feels resentment... or that's just how she's wired... or maybe it's all of the above... anyway, I always carry around this fantasy about her and I curled up together in a couch, snuggling, stroking each other's hair, reading, lounging...  will this dream ever come true?  She seems to need times like this and physical affection but I'm generally not sure how to do that in ways that she feels completely free and safe.

I love reading to her.  Tonight before I kissed her goodnight we read two Berenstain Bear books.  She's been falling asleep by herself this whole week... shedding some tears and facing some fears of monsters and the "big bad wolf."  Actually, since this whole new thing began, we were able to talk more about the "big bad wolf" and I basically tell her that it is our imagination and if she's still scared, that I have chased it far far away.  Then she goes on to do something else.

I don't know if giving her this opportunity to learn to be okay with falling asleep by herself is helping her build self-esteem or making her insecure...  (should I have waited till she's older and really understand that it's our imagination?  I don't know...)  I can't wait till the day when falling asleep together gets to be a special time rather than a battle...  Anyway, it's begun... and I am so eager and excited to take her to the bookstore in Itaewon Saturday morning for her to pick out a new B.B. book for her reward!  She's sure happy to put those stickers on the chart everyday...

She was holding my hand while I was reading to her tonight...her soft little hand that fits perfectly inside mine.  She even put her head down on my lap and relaxed... I wanted to just snuggle up with her in her bed and go to sleep.  Instead, I kissed her good night and tucked her in...

Ti seems to be going through some developmental stuff... he is not all "easy" anymore.  Such is life of a mother of a four month old?

thoughts on motherhood...so far

I am home all day everyday.  I take care of my two little lambs.  I have given up on going anywhere with them here at least for now without a car and without my husband.  Everything and everyone is too far.  I might take a little walk in the neighborhood.  I am too shy or lazy to seek out people to get together and spend time with... this is probably why I feel like I am going crazy some days....I have no real break.  It is tiring.  I am mostly not sure if what I'm doing or not doing is best for them.  So many days I let pass with just routines and trying to control things and even my kids... I ignore the preciousness, the wonder and privilege of what I am given to do.  I am anxious and easy to get upset or uptight.  I miss opportunities of laughter, love, pure joy... for some reason I find myself having a real hard time focusing on the moments of here and now...  Then I have a few moments to think here and there... and realize that I need to chill and bathe in the tub of Grace...until every pore on my skin opens up and soaks in the moisture of Grace.  I really cannot do this alone...nor was it ever meant to be done alone!   I don't mean my husband or friends here.  I mean God.  I am forced to go directly to Him more than ever here when I have no access to friends "down the street." 
Learning the dance (house sitting at the Dances' :P) of paradox of becoming a servant (Lamb Mothers and Amazing Grace) and a teacher (The science of empathy).  I trip and fall quite often...but it becomes so obvious that I need Jesus everyday.  He really was and is the perfect model of motherhood--the unrestrained empathy and "safe strength" I find in Him both. He is my perfect "Mother."

I read the two articles recently-- thanks to friends who share great things to read on facebook. :)  I keep going back to this quote from the first article by Ann Voskamp:

...I had this, all this. I might not have.

At the poolside, she had smiled and reached to cup me too, us both with wet cheeks, us both laughing anyways, her eyes so blue and I could see straight through that she is never for me, children never for us, to please us, to fulfill us, but I am for her, to nurture and protect and serve and children are the gift and parents are the ones who give. I know not of tiger mothers, but He speaks of lamb mothers with the heart of the Lion of Judah who lay down their lives for the sheep. Who lay down happiest laughter, realest joy, lay down story and wonder and questions and discovery and prayers and protective boundaries and words that make souls stronger, who lay down memoried loved upon memoried love and here we might.

In her sleep, she stirs and I am stirred too. I get to do this!

This moment isn’t a forever grace but amazing grace....

I so much appreciate this mom's wisdom and the beautiful way of putting it into words--"words that make souls stronger."

the day after it snowed-taken from the balcony of the Dances' house

chilling with chilled teethers

Blueberry face

my homemade bread

my beautiful lamb

tummy timing Ti

Bedtime thoughts

Her teeth are brushed.  She's in her pull-up and P.J.s for the night.  She kisses her brother good night and plays quietly in her room while I put Ti down for the night in our room.

I nurse Ti in peace and quiet and lay him down awake.  Thankfully he usually does not protest.  I kiss him good night and go back to Ari's room.

We lay down in the twin mattress on the floor and she wants to read ALL the Barenstain Bear books, of course.  I tell her we only have time for one tonight because it's very late...   She hands me a book and wants me to read it while she reads another one on her own... She does this often--wanting to read side by side.  But I tell her I want to read to her and she gives in after a bit of persuasion.  (I'm just too tired and hungry tonight and would like her to fall asleep soon... this time feels like just another chore...I just want it to be over...)   She has a question on every page as I read.  (I wonder if she's trying to prolong staying awake...and it irritates me.)

Some random nights she tells me to go away and she falls asleep by herself but lately she's wanting me to stay with her.
I try and help her process the day...by asking questions and help her answer about things we saw,did and felt throughout the day.  Then we lay there together in the semi dark room and I keep reminding her that it's time to close her eyes and go to sleep.  After a few reminders, it is quiet.  I carefully look over at her face.  Two bright sparkles...she's staring at the ceiling... unaware that my eyes are on her.

I stare at her precious little face beside me in the dark... I wonder what her beautiful little sparkling eyes are seeing...what she's thinking about.

I pray for Joy in my heart... for eyes to see through daily routines and tasks to be accomplished...the ability to stop and recognize the treasure and wonder... to serve my children not only good and healthy food for the body but for their souls, as God offers mine through them.