"An Easy Baby"

Ti is mastering his crawling skills these days.  Now I just plop him down to take care of some things and he is quite content and happy to start exploring his surroundings--that is, until I make an eye contact with him.  He then smiles big and immediately starts to make his "hold me!" sounds and frantically starts crawling toward me with all he's got!  My heart melts whenever this happens and I pick him up, kiss all over his soft chubby cheeks, smell him (yes, I love smelling him) and hold him tight.  (I am learning to celebrate these moments...)

Ari shows me everyday that she is changing and growing too.  Today it hit me when she just disappeared without a word and I found her on her little potty in the bathroom taking care of her own business as usual.  I smile and go over to help her wipe (she seems to want to do this herself (after #1) but I just want to make sure she stays clean.  Same with brushing teeth...  I probably should encourage independence in these kinds of things more... I think that in the back of my mind but then I had enough visits to the dentists myself and I want to control this as long as I can. :P)  Potty training has pretty much been a breeze with her.  (I hope Ti will follow in his big sister's footsteps. :P)  I did part time EC (Elimination Communication) with her since she was about 3 months old and I think about starting that with Ti too but he just seems unpredictable and hard to read (the cues) so we will see.

It was another beautiful day out today so after they took descent naps this afternoon, I took them out for a walk (it always seems to help --Ti in his stroller and Ari walking beside me.  She LOVES outside.  I am sure most kids like to be outside but this girl really LOVES to just go out whenever whether rain or snow.  I love that she does, and am trying to meet that need more often especially when I feel lazy and just want to stay home.  As we were getting ready to leave, she said something funny that I want to put down here.  As I put Ti down and helped Ari put her shoes on, I heard her say to me, "Ti's an easy baby, Mommy!"  I was surprised to hear her say such an adult like thing.  I laughed inside and thought she probably heard us say that.  I said, "You think so?  Yeah, he IS an EASY baby!"  She quickly corrected me and said, "No, Mommy!  S-NEEzey baby!"  Then I realized that he did indeed just sneeze. :)  She just has a hard time saying the "s" sound at the beginning of a word (which, by the way, I think is cute but Daniel tries to fix).

We walked to the little playground.  She loves to swing there, and I mean REALLY SWING.  She wants me to push her up pretty high and gets real joy and satisfaction out of every swing up and down.  So we did our usual thing.  Me reminding her with each push that she MUST hold tight and NEVER let go until the swing stops completely.  And at a blink of an eye she fell off as soon as I finished saying that again.  She landed on her back--thankfully it looked like she was able to hold her head up so no head injuries.  I picked her up, inspected, and comforted her.  No blood, no scrapes, nothing I could find then.  After she stopped crying and my lecture was finished, she wanted to go back on the swing.  So we did one last one and walked to the little corner store around the corner to get some ice cream.  All this while Ti was busy chewing on his teething ring.  On our walk back home, she complained that her back was hurting.  I did not think much of it.  After dinner, she told me her back hurt again.  I told her that I would give her a massage before bed.  So I was changing her into her jammies and this is what I found:

She said it didn't hurt anymore as I asked her while "giving her a massage" (feeling around to see if she would cringe).  She is a tough one--the more I get to know her, I love who she is and the sweet and tough mixture she's got in her little self.  I get to be her mother.  I get to be her mother... (I celebrate these moments when I can truly feel the love I have for her--because I know I do not have that in me naturally.  I celebrate and cherish these moments because I know it is given by God and it is therefore pure and life-giving.)

Lastly, today was Daniel's last day of work in Korea.  We indulged ourselves in a few episodes of Burn Notice (we recently go into this) had pizza delivered to us.  In less than three weeks, we will be on our flight back to Chicago.  I am doing some thinking and writing down here and there some of my thoughts whenever I get a chance.

out in the balcony

After a yucky and depressing weekend followed by another gray Monday we had a gorgeous day today.  The balcony had been covered with the Yellow Dust but this morning Daniel and Ari cleaned it with water and filled up her little pool.  After Daniel left for work, she and I went out there with our picnic lunch while Ti napped (schedule's been off).  We ended up staying out there literally ALL DAY except for occasional potty breaks.  Ari splashed in her pool and did some coloring.  She was mostly content. 

Ti needs a boy hat :P

I stayed out there while both of them napped and read several chapters of the book The Scent of Water by Naomi Zacharias, which Daniel bought me to read on my ipod kindle (love this technology--although I still prefer actual paper).

I love days like today so I'm savoring every moment of it.

She says she loves me.....I want to know it in my heart without a doubt

I don't know my birth mom.  I think my grandma was my mother figure since she raised me most of my teen years.  Before that?  I think I had a couple of step moms but now I can say that I do not have a fond relationship with any of these women mentioned so far including my current step mom (but it is different now that I am an adult, married and with two kids.).  So if people ask me who my "mother" is, I have to think of my grandma.  To describe the kind of relationship I have with her, I would say there is just not much there.  Let's just say that we have very little in common with each other, there is a huge generational gap, and she does not know God.
So why am I thinking about these things?  I don't know...

I want to have a relationship with my own daughter as what it should look like... affectionate, sweet... respectful... I want her to want to come curl up with me (if this is not exactly how she communicates whatever other ways she does...), cup my face, look into my eyes and say "mom, I need your face."  I want her to want to hear my words, to look into my eyes, to rub her cheeks on mine, say "cheekies..." and grin.

I don't want to sow seeds of resentment, bitterness, anger...in her heart toward her own mother.  I want her to know the pure joy of the mother-daughter relationship.  The glimpses I have seen in others (since I don't have one).  I am not wanting perfection because I have already failed many times and I still will, but I am wanting these things to be the underlying feelings and characteristics--the ones that last and will be passed on, to her own children.  The quiet but powerful positive force.

I was at my parents'/grandparents' house this afternoon with Ari and Ti.  It was a spur of the moment thing--my father came and picked us up.  Everyone was busy carrying on with their daily lives.  The three of us were mostly alone.  It was surprisingly refreshing to be there today.  The crisp weather, the cool wind, the deep green hills surrounding the little town... I tried to nap all three of us but soon realized that it was only me who actually wanted a nap so I put Ti in the Ergo and took Ari for a walk outside.  I kept having flashbacks from last summer when we arrived in Korea and stayed there as I watched Ari playing.  I also had flashbacks from my childhood as we walked through the empty little house where I grew up.  Oh, how small I felt then and how small the house looked today...and how that little town used to be the whole world to me as a little child.  As we walked outside where I used to run around and play as a child, feeling the breeze getting stronger and hearing the rustling noise of the green all around us, it felt as though I was brought there to "make peace" with my childhood... those mostly dark, depressing years.  Then I saw the wind brushing Ari's hair across her precious little face.  She held my hand tight braving it.  It was new, clean wind.  It was strong and yet so gentle.  It was beautiful.  It gave me hope.  It gave me courage.  Sometimes, that's all it takes, I guess.  And sometimes, this is all I can take.

Repent

Crazy Sunday.  That was my Sunday.  On the inside.  I felt this anxiety dripping everywhere, all day.  Small group ladies met up for accountability and encouragement.  The question laid out was, "What can we do to be better wives at this time?"  Honestly, I had no answer.  I just kept agreeing with everyone as I listened.  I was completely taken over...by nothing, and everything, my mind and heart racing.  It was really weird.

I lay awake at night waiting for Daniel to come warm up the cold sheets--still not calm.  The question still hanging in my heart.  Then the word comes... or was it the Word.

Repent.

I realize that I knew it all along.  I just didn't want to face it...again.

of a cold heart
of ingratitude
of pride
of ...

"The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object.  It is better to forget about yourself altogether."  (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Even then I find myself still eye-ing the mirror... my sinful self doesn't want to lose sight of itself...even if it is "a small, dirty object."

Turn around!
Abandon!

I stand here and wait.

so much going on inside my mind and heart... I'm so tired and can't think anymore though...

This mothering-of-two-wee-ones is a hard business.

in the kitchen

I envy those moms who let their kids help in the kitchen and do other chores around the house without worrying about things not going their way... and just have fun with their kids.  I am too fearful to do that.  Crumbs, kitchen messes... they stress me out (what doesn't?) and I'd rather not have a toddler "help" me so I can just get things done my way.  But more than those kinds of messes, I fear the emotional messes...as Ari often ends up getting frustrated with things and it becomes hard to have fun.

I would like to let go of this "fear" of messes a bit.  Today I let my toddler girl help me make a big pot of lentil soup while Ti surprisingly napped for three hours in the afternoon.  (Naomi, if you're reading this, I used your opened bag of dried lentils...hope that is okay!  It's so hard to see food we've missed and not eat them! :( )
She usually tries to do EVERYTHING herself but today she was pretty content watching me getting the veggies ready...so I guess it wasn't really a big "test" for my attempt at letting go.  It was fun and I hope to do this more often.

eating a carrot piece

cooking "Korean style"

enjoying frozen strawberry smoothie I made this morning