Repent

Crazy Sunday.  That was my Sunday.  On the inside.  I felt this anxiety dripping everywhere, all day.  Small group ladies met up for accountability and encouragement.  The question laid out was, "What can we do to be better wives at this time?"  Honestly, I had no answer.  I just kept agreeing with everyone as I listened.  I was completely taken over...by nothing, and everything, my mind and heart racing.  It was really weird.

I lay awake at night waiting for Daniel to come warm up the cold sheets--still not calm.  The question still hanging in my heart.  Then the word comes... or was it the Word.

Repent.

I realize that I knew it all along.  I just didn't want to face it...again.

of a cold heart
of ingratitude
of pride
of ...

"The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object.  It is better to forget about yourself altogether."  (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Even then I find myself still eye-ing the mirror... my sinful self doesn't want to lose sight of itself...even if it is "a small, dirty object."

Turn around!
Abandon!

I stand here and wait.

so much going on inside my mind and heart... I'm so tired and can't think anymore though...

This mothering-of-two-wee-ones is a hard business.

in the kitchen

I envy those moms who let their kids help in the kitchen and do other chores around the house without worrying about things not going their way... and just have fun with their kids.  I am too fearful to do that.  Crumbs, kitchen messes... they stress me out (what doesn't?) and I'd rather not have a toddler "help" me so I can just get things done my way.  But more than those kinds of messes, I fear the emotional messes...as Ari often ends up getting frustrated with things and it becomes hard to have fun.

I would like to let go of this "fear" of messes a bit.  Today I let my toddler girl help me make a big pot of lentil soup while Ti surprisingly napped for three hours in the afternoon.  (Naomi, if you're reading this, I used your opened bag of dried lentils...hope that is okay!  It's so hard to see food we've missed and not eat them! :( )
She usually tries to do EVERYTHING herself but today she was pretty content watching me getting the veggies ready...so I guess it wasn't really a big "test" for my attempt at letting go.  It was fun and I hope to do this more often.

eating a carrot piece

cooking "Korean style"

enjoying frozen strawberry smoothie I made this morning