Siblings

I beheld one of the most beautiful things I had dreamed of seeing since birthing Ti today.  I popped in a dvd called "Classical Baby: The Art Show" (which is an awesome video in my opinion) this afternoon for the kids.  While Ari sat quietly totally engaged in the visual and auditory art getting comfortable on the floor Ti had crawled up behind her and got quite fascinated with her hair.  For a few minutes, she let him play with her hair like that and had the look on her face of such enjoyment, contentment, sibling affection, ease...while Ti giggled touching, gently pulling her hair.  I just sat and watched.  I just loved the moments.

The three of us enjoyed our simple quesadilla and sweet potato fries dinner while Daddy was at the ministry.  Ti LOVES food... and REFUSES to be fed.  If you try to feed him anything, you will see what I mean very clearly. :)  You quickly learn that he WILL eat if you just put it in front of him.  He might look a baby but he won't let you treat him as one.  My "easy" baby is only a week short of turning 10 month old...he will be one in just a couple of months.  CRAZY.  In fact, we hit birthdays like boom, boom, boom! beginning next month with Daniel, then Titus, Arielle, and finishing up with me in January.  The question is...will we be celebrating them in our own home?  I hope so.

At bedtime, Ari and I read a couple of books as usual and prayed through the Lord's prayer together (something I've started doing recently).  As I was about to kiss her goodnight, she somewhat bashfully asked me if she could have some "eeee," that is, mother's milk. :)  She's lately been pretty sensitive about Daniel or I calling her a "baby."  In fact, she's been pretty consistent in correcting us by saying, "I'm not a baby anymore!  I'm a big girl!"  So I was surprised by her request so I responded, "Are you sure?"  She said yes.  She curled up on my lap and made me cradle her like a baby.  As I began pulling up my shirt, she said, "No, Mom!  Just pretend!"  I said, "You can have the real thing if you want."  She just wanted to pretend. :)  (Actually, I'm glad she only wanted to pretend. :))  When we finished our pretend nursing session, she said she needed to nurse her babies before she went to sleep.  She's such a good mother, I tell her a lot these days because most of the time that's what she does when playing pretend.  She's such a darling, my daughter! 

On a totally different and somewhat random note, I have to record this because it changing me and I feel it is an important issue.  That sex is communication in and of itself.  It is not just a result of or a means to better or stronger communication in marriage.  There is love spoken in its mystical and mysterious sense that is not possible in any other ways (borrowing from my husband's words).  That is how God designed it...even in this fallen state we're in, His grace enables that important, independent communication to take place between the husband and the wife.
(Don't let your imaginations run too wild now!) :)

Comfort

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

(Saint Francis of Assisi)

 

Honestly, I want so much to be understood, heard, loved, forgiven, and comforted... 

When I was going through a dark time in college, when I was also so completely consumed with the desire to be understood, etc., a good friend of mine gently confronted me along the same lines as this prayer. 

My mother-in-law said that I need to "learn to ride the waves" as a mother and not try to "master" it.  Reminded me of the imagery in Isaiah 40 of the eagle soaring--"riding the wind."  For many different reasons I always tend to try and "master" or "perfect" everything.  I end up with so little joy or none because I am never really satisfied.  I can't truly enjoy the here and now of what God has given me. 

Lately, I have dwelt on the "ugly past" and the "uncertain future" so much.  I really need to take one day at a time.  

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God”? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:27-31)

Motherless mother

I have been in “hiding.” That’s because I don’t want anyone to know the real me these days more than ever. Yet if I keep on trying to go on that path, I fear that my soul will turn so bitter that if it were an edible thing, I myself would spit it out and walk away forever. Big life changes, which are all good and are gifts (in the complete, pure sense of the word) from God, fill the past few years. Stresses sky-rocketed while we were in Korea last year--close to my family, to the few left, unerased memories and impact of my childhood. I tried to move on but I keep getting hit on the head and stabbed in my heart somewhere along the way. It’s like every time I get back up with a bleeding heart, I get stabbed deeper, bleeding even more. I have slowly been getting stripped and bare, raw inside. Patch work is not doing the job anymore. I don’t know where to go from here. (To God...yes, I know and yes, I do.) I am like a stick about to break, or maybe I am already broken and my splinters are hurting or scarying away anyone who would dare come near.

I feel so sad. I feel angry. I even feel nothing sometimes, or so I say. (Is that an oxymoron—to feel nothing?) I feel overwhelmed. I shut down. But it still hurts somehow.

Before I had my children, I thought that the mothering comes naturally. I thought that all this mother’s love would just naturally ooze out of me. I don’t mean a shallow kind of love—I mean the kind of strong love that teaches what is true and good, coushions the falls, and is simply there when things get rough or go wrong. Even though I never experienced that from a mother, I still had the God-given notions and longings deep in my heart and no one, not one evil circumstance, person, or thing has plucked those longings from my heart. Yes, God must have been there. He must have loved me in the midst of the sins, abuse, neglect, choas, confusion, and pain. But I was not born an adult...I was born a baby, a child who was dependent on its mother (and father, which is a whole other story of its own) to take care of and teach. It never really hit me, until after I gave birth, that I myself would try to kick these longings out in the end with the look on my face of long and hard disappointment, of rage.

Arielle did not have any protests at bedtime tonight. Ti was so tired that he fell asleep nursing. I came out of the bedroom (of our yet another friends’ house where we were graciously given permission to stay while they’re away) totally spent...the longest afternoon. I felt awful because I was mean to Ari all afternoon... being harsh, yelling, grabbing, getting frustrated and angry with her (sounds like a neglected child’s behavior now that I list them here), abusive with words, tones, and looks... ugly and down right wrong. I feel like and I know I am a bad mom (just let me say it once) and I can’t help being mean...but sometimes she is just too much and I am at the end of my rope, constantly. I know its all my bad modeling and my fault. (Just hear me.)

When I was nursing Ti in the dark I was looking on at Ari laying down quietly in her bed. I couldn’t tell if she was asleep or awake but it didn’t matter. All the yelling, screaming, and crying had finally ended. Silence,...only my heart was still screaming. I felt this sudden anger, more like rage and disappointment and I was telling myself, ‘I never knew (and I probably will never know) my mother’s love.’ And I wallowed in my own self pity mixed with anger at God who allowed this lot. I was weeping, silently. I never knew a mom who would show me day in and day out what it means to be patient, kind, physically and emotionally available and affectionate, strong, safe, and dependable...who would show me, even in her own tainted ways, her unwavering love and belief in me when no one else, not even myself, would believe in me—affirming who I am. I never had that constant voice of my mother. And it hurts to be alone...confused, terrified. With no guidance, no hand to hold, no one, no relationship. I feel lost in this vast, cold, scary world.

My husband listens to all of this and tells me that he will never leave me. And what is sadder is that instead of taking comfort in his promise, I don’t think I would even care if he left, because I have this deep seated notion, not just notion but belief, that I probably deserved it—that there is everything wrong with me, and that’s how I would have to explain.

Divorce hurts children. It shreds the hearts, and everything about them into pieces. But actually, it’s not the divorce. It’s the root of all sin. The relentless pursuit of selfish desires divorced from its Creator—rebellion, idolatry. Generations suffer the consequences and the pain of sin committed carelessly today by one person. Sin becomes the way of life, the norm. It’s sad when someone doesn’t know any better. Sometimes that’s me.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you

As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;

That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend

Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurp'd town to another due,

Labor to admit you, but oh, to no end;

Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love you, and would be lov'd fain,

But am betroth'd unto your enemy;

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again,

Take me to you, imprison me, for I,

Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

(John Donne 1572-1631)

Day One

So we did not make it to church this morning.

We did finally make it out the house around 11 to go meet a new little guy named Zion Tamen Baney.  He was born exactly one week ago to our friends Justin and YJ.  On our way to Pyeongtaek, which is about an hour and a half from where we are, we decided to introduce our friend Steve, who is visiting from my husband's hometown growing up, to a decent "Shabu-Shabu" meal.  You get a communal hot pot of boiling broth (which tastes awesome) at the center of the table in which you throw some paper-thinly sliced beef with lots of veggies for a few seconds and scoop out and eat them.  We found this restaurant on the top floor of a Shinsegae department store at the express bus terminal.  We waited half an hour to get seats but it was worth it.  Steve liked it.  We all enjoyed it.

Ti enjoyed the "teething bling" I had around my neck. :P

(Just for personal record, I ran into one of my relatives there.)  Promptly, after this excellent lunch, we got on a bus to our destination Pyeongtaek.

After about an hour ride on the bus we finally arrived in Pyeongtaek.  We squeezed ourselves into Justin's car with the humongous stroller in the back when we got off the bus, and finally arrived at their place.  Baby Zion and mommy YJ looked great!  I got to hold him and started fantasizing....for a few seconds....you know, of another one...just for a few seconds!  I think he looks more "Western" than either of my babies did.  Anyway, he is BEAUTIFUL.  I just love his long, full, dark, curly hair!  :)

Zion Tamen Baney

Ari said, "The baby popped out!"  :)  Ti was busy crawling around on the floor.  We'll probably all be in Chicago the next time we get together...

Kiddos did great considering having no real naps in the afternoon obviously.

playing at the park outside of the Baney's

We got home around 9.  Put the tired kiddos straight to bed...and it's our turn--Good night!

thinking random, like this digital age...

I had a spontaneous brunch date with just Ari this morning at Paris Baguette at Suseo station.  This was the second time we've done it.  We walk down the hill (yes, we live on the top of a hill again--not as steep as the last one though), cross the big street and catch a number 2412 bus to Suseo subway station about 10 minutes away.  The bakery is right there when we get off the bus.  Life seems so much simpler with one child.  (Those of you with one child might disagree...I used to too until we had two.)  She loves croissants. She always picks one of those for herself.  I ordered an actual brunch meal with an egg and made sure she ate that egg for her protein. :)  We shared a potbingsoo (a shaved/crushed flavored ice with fruits, red beans, and a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top) for our special treat.

When the kids were napping this afternoon, I laid down on the couch and resumed listening to an audio book I began listening to recently, called, The Next Story.  I woke up to Ti clanging his toys on the floor and my husband picking up in the kitchen.  The book was still being read to me and all I remembered was something about speaking, "truthing"??  Well, I will need to go back to where I left off before, AGAIN. :P

So I came across a couple of parenting articles this evening and one of them talked about parents not being playmates to their children--that children are to play on their own and parents should do parent-things.  (like the idea of pararelle play)  Well, I am the one who feels guilty if I don't play WITH my children and often can't get much done and feel exhausted...  I am not sure if this is why but Ari has always been my "shadow."  I tried.  I tried to begin doing something with her--encourage her to continue what we'd started and leave to get some things done... She stops immediately and follows me around.  Of course I let her "help" sometimes but there are times when I really cannot get things done if she's "helping," and it's healthy to have some "breaks"/ alone time/ just doing our own things in the same space... sometimes.  This just does not happen much around here... So some days I just give up and spend all the time and energy I have to try to entertain and interact with both my kids and end up with a mess both outside and inside of myself... It doesn't help that I don't have regular/frequent playdates with other moms...  Anyway, Ari just wants to do everything I try to do even when I encourage her to play with her things on her own for just a few minutes...   This is something I need to learn to do more.  I look forward to Ari going to preschool soon and learning this herself too soon.

Kids are asleep and Daniel's picking up our friend from the States at the airport tonight.  We plan on some fun times exploring a bit of Korea we have not yet seen!

"An Easy Baby"

Ti is mastering his crawling skills these days.  Now I just plop him down to take care of some things and he is quite content and happy to start exploring his surroundings--that is, until I make an eye contact with him.  He then smiles big and immediately starts to make his "hold me!" sounds and frantically starts crawling toward me with all he's got!  My heart melts whenever this happens and I pick him up, kiss all over his soft chubby cheeks, smell him (yes, I love smelling him) and hold him tight.  (I am learning to celebrate these moments...)

Ari shows me everyday that she is changing and growing too.  Today it hit me when she just disappeared without a word and I found her on her little potty in the bathroom taking care of her own business as usual.  I smile and go over to help her wipe (she seems to want to do this herself (after #1) but I just want to make sure she stays clean.  Same with brushing teeth...  I probably should encourage independence in these kinds of things more... I think that in the back of my mind but then I had enough visits to the dentists myself and I want to control this as long as I can. :P)  Potty training has pretty much been a breeze with her.  (I hope Ti will follow in his big sister's footsteps. :P)  I did part time EC (Elimination Communication) with her since she was about 3 months old and I think about starting that with Ti too but he just seems unpredictable and hard to read (the cues) so we will see.

It was another beautiful day out today so after they took descent naps this afternoon, I took them out for a walk (it always seems to help --Ti in his stroller and Ari walking beside me.  She LOVES outside.  I am sure most kids like to be outside but this girl really LOVES to just go out whenever whether rain or snow.  I love that she does, and am trying to meet that need more often especially when I feel lazy and just want to stay home.  As we were getting ready to leave, she said something funny that I want to put down here.  As I put Ti down and helped Ari put her shoes on, I heard her say to me, "Ti's an easy baby, Mommy!"  I was surprised to hear her say such an adult like thing.  I laughed inside and thought she probably heard us say that.  I said, "You think so?  Yeah, he IS an EASY baby!"  She quickly corrected me and said, "No, Mommy!  S-NEEzey baby!"  Then I realized that he did indeed just sneeze. :)  She just has a hard time saying the "s" sound at the beginning of a word (which, by the way, I think is cute but Daniel tries to fix).

We walked to the little playground.  She loves to swing there, and I mean REALLY SWING.  She wants me to push her up pretty high and gets real joy and satisfaction out of every swing up and down.  So we did our usual thing.  Me reminding her with each push that she MUST hold tight and NEVER let go until the swing stops completely.  And at a blink of an eye she fell off as soon as I finished saying that again.  She landed on her back--thankfully it looked like she was able to hold her head up so no head injuries.  I picked her up, inspected, and comforted her.  No blood, no scrapes, nothing I could find then.  After she stopped crying and my lecture was finished, she wanted to go back on the swing.  So we did one last one and walked to the little corner store around the corner to get some ice cream.  All this while Ti was busy chewing on his teething ring.  On our walk back home, she complained that her back was hurting.  I did not think much of it.  After dinner, she told me her back hurt again.  I told her that I would give her a massage before bed.  So I was changing her into her jammies and this is what I found:

She said it didn't hurt anymore as I asked her while "giving her a massage" (feeling around to see if she would cringe).  She is a tough one--the more I get to know her, I love who she is and the sweet and tough mixture she's got in her little self.  I get to be her mother.  I get to be her mother... (I celebrate these moments when I can truly feel the love I have for her--because I know I do not have that in me naturally.  I celebrate and cherish these moments because I know it is given by God and it is therefore pure and life-giving.)

Lastly, today was Daniel's last day of work in Korea.  We indulged ourselves in a few episodes of Burn Notice (we recently go into this) had pizza delivered to us.  In less than three weeks, we will be on our flight back to Chicago.  I am doing some thinking and writing down here and there some of my thoughts whenever I get a chance.

out in the balcony

After a yucky and depressing weekend followed by another gray Monday we had a gorgeous day today.  The balcony had been covered with the Yellow Dust but this morning Daniel and Ari cleaned it with water and filled up her little pool.  After Daniel left for work, she and I went out there with our picnic lunch while Ti napped (schedule's been off).  We ended up staying out there literally ALL DAY except for occasional potty breaks.  Ari splashed in her pool and did some coloring.  She was mostly content. 

Ti needs a boy hat :P

I stayed out there while both of them napped and read several chapters of the book The Scent of Water by Naomi Zacharias, which Daniel bought me to read on my ipod kindle (love this technology--although I still prefer actual paper).

I love days like today so I'm savoring every moment of it.

She says she loves me.....I want to know it in my heart without a doubt

I don't know my birth mom.  I think my grandma was my mother figure since she raised me most of my teen years.  Before that?  I think I had a couple of step moms but now I can say that I do not have a fond relationship with any of these women mentioned so far including my current step mom (but it is different now that I am an adult, married and with two kids.).  So if people ask me who my "mother" is, I have to think of my grandma.  To describe the kind of relationship I have with her, I would say there is just not much there.  Let's just say that we have very little in common with each other, there is a huge generational gap, and she does not know God.
So why am I thinking about these things?  I don't know...

I want to have a relationship with my own daughter as what it should look like... affectionate, sweet... respectful... I want her to want to come curl up with me (if this is not exactly how she communicates whatever other ways she does...), cup my face, look into my eyes and say "mom, I need your face."  I want her to want to hear my words, to look into my eyes, to rub her cheeks on mine, say "cheekies..." and grin.

I don't want to sow seeds of resentment, bitterness, anger...in her heart toward her own mother.  I want her to know the pure joy of the mother-daughter relationship.  The glimpses I have seen in others (since I don't have one).  I am not wanting perfection because I have already failed many times and I still will, but I am wanting these things to be the underlying feelings and characteristics--the ones that last and will be passed on, to her own children.  The quiet but powerful positive force.

I was at my parents'/grandparents' house this afternoon with Ari and Ti.  It was a spur of the moment thing--my father came and picked us up.  Everyone was busy carrying on with their daily lives.  The three of us were mostly alone.  It was surprisingly refreshing to be there today.  The crisp weather, the cool wind, the deep green hills surrounding the little town... I tried to nap all three of us but soon realized that it was only me who actually wanted a nap so I put Ti in the Ergo and took Ari for a walk outside.  I kept having flashbacks from last summer when we arrived in Korea and stayed there as I watched Ari playing.  I also had flashbacks from my childhood as we walked through the empty little house where I grew up.  Oh, how small I felt then and how small the house looked today...and how that little town used to be the whole world to me as a little child.  As we walked outside where I used to run around and play as a child, feeling the breeze getting stronger and hearing the rustling noise of the green all around us, it felt as though I was brought there to "make peace" with my childhood... those mostly dark, depressing years.  Then I saw the wind brushing Ari's hair across her precious little face.  She held my hand tight braving it.  It was new, clean wind.  It was strong and yet so gentle.  It was beautiful.  It gave me hope.  It gave me courage.  Sometimes, that's all it takes, I guess.  And sometimes, this is all I can take.

Repent

Crazy Sunday.  That was my Sunday.  On the inside.  I felt this anxiety dripping everywhere, all day.  Small group ladies met up for accountability and encouragement.  The question laid out was, "What can we do to be better wives at this time?"  Honestly, I had no answer.  I just kept agreeing with everyone as I listened.  I was completely taken over...by nothing, and everything, my mind and heart racing.  It was really weird.

I lay awake at night waiting for Daniel to come warm up the cold sheets--still not calm.  The question still hanging in my heart.  Then the word comes... or was it the Word.

Repent.

I realize that I knew it all along.  I just didn't want to face it...again.

of a cold heart
of ingratitude
of pride
of ...

"The real test of being in the presence of God is that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object.  It is better to forget about yourself altogether."  (C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

Even then I find myself still eye-ing the mirror... my sinful self doesn't want to lose sight of itself...even if it is "a small, dirty object."

Turn around!
Abandon!

I stand here and wait.

so much going on inside my mind and heart... I'm so tired and can't think anymore though...

This mothering-of-two-wee-ones is a hard business.

in the kitchen

I envy those moms who let their kids help in the kitchen and do other chores around the house without worrying about things not going their way... and just have fun with their kids.  I am too fearful to do that.  Crumbs, kitchen messes... they stress me out (what doesn't?) and I'd rather not have a toddler "help" me so I can just get things done my way.  But more than those kinds of messes, I fear the emotional messes...as Ari often ends up getting frustrated with things and it becomes hard to have fun.

I would like to let go of this "fear" of messes a bit.  Today I let my toddler girl help me make a big pot of lentil soup while Ti surprisingly napped for three hours in the afternoon.  (Naomi, if you're reading this, I used your opened bag of dried lentils...hope that is okay!  It's so hard to see food we've missed and not eat them! :( )
She usually tries to do EVERYTHING herself but today she was pretty content watching me getting the veggies ready...so I guess it wasn't really a big "test" for my attempt at letting go.  It was fun and I hope to do this more often.

eating a carrot piece

cooking "Korean style"

enjoying frozen strawberry smoothie I made this morning

holding hands

Ari is not much of a snuggler... I don't know if this is because she is just a busy toddler yet and I'm just expecting too much at this time...or maybe I've hurt her little toddler heart and soul and she feels resentment... or that's just how she's wired... or maybe it's all of the above... anyway, I always carry around this fantasy about her and I curled up together in a couch, snuggling, stroking each other's hair, reading, lounging...  will this dream ever come true?  She seems to need times like this and physical affection but I'm generally not sure how to do that in ways that she feels completely free and safe.

I love reading to her.  Tonight before I kissed her goodnight we read two Berenstain Bear books.  She's been falling asleep by herself this whole week... shedding some tears and facing some fears of monsters and the "big bad wolf."  Actually, since this whole new thing began, we were able to talk more about the "big bad wolf" and I basically tell her that it is our imagination and if she's still scared, that I have chased it far far away.  Then she goes on to do something else.

I don't know if giving her this opportunity to learn to be okay with falling asleep by herself is helping her build self-esteem or making her insecure...  (should I have waited till she's older and really understand that it's our imagination?  I don't know...)  I can't wait till the day when falling asleep together gets to be a special time rather than a battle...  Anyway, it's begun... and I am so eager and excited to take her to the bookstore in Itaewon Saturday morning for her to pick out a new B.B. book for her reward!  She's sure happy to put those stickers on the chart everyday...

She was holding my hand while I was reading to her tonight...her soft little hand that fits perfectly inside mine.  She even put her head down on my lap and relaxed... I wanted to just snuggle up with her in her bed and go to sleep.  Instead, I kissed her good night and tucked her in...

Ti seems to be going through some developmental stuff... he is not all "easy" anymore.  Such is life of a mother of a four month old?

thoughts on motherhood...so far

I am home all day everyday.  I take care of my two little lambs.  I have given up on going anywhere with them here at least for now without a car and without my husband.  Everything and everyone is too far.  I might take a little walk in the neighborhood.  I am too shy or lazy to seek out people to get together and spend time with... this is probably why I feel like I am going crazy some days....I have no real break.  It is tiring.  I am mostly not sure if what I'm doing or not doing is best for them.  So many days I let pass with just routines and trying to control things and even my kids... I ignore the preciousness, the wonder and privilege of what I am given to do.  I am anxious and easy to get upset or uptight.  I miss opportunities of laughter, love, pure joy... for some reason I find myself having a real hard time focusing on the moments of here and now...  Then I have a few moments to think here and there... and realize that I need to chill and bathe in the tub of Grace...until every pore on my skin opens up and soaks in the moisture of Grace.  I really cannot do this alone...nor was it ever meant to be done alone!   I don't mean my husband or friends here.  I mean God.  I am forced to go directly to Him more than ever here when I have no access to friends "down the street." 
Learning the dance (house sitting at the Dances' :P) of paradox of becoming a servant (Lamb Mothers and Amazing Grace) and a teacher (The science of empathy).  I trip and fall quite often...but it becomes so obvious that I need Jesus everyday.  He really was and is the perfect model of motherhood--the unrestrained empathy and "safe strength" I find in Him both. He is my perfect "Mother."

I read the two articles recently-- thanks to friends who share great things to read on facebook. :)  I keep going back to this quote from the first article by Ann Voskamp:

...I had this, all this. I might not have.

At the poolside, she had smiled and reached to cup me too, us both with wet cheeks, us both laughing anyways, her eyes so blue and I could see straight through that she is never for me, children never for us, to please us, to fulfill us, but I am for her, to nurture and protect and serve and children are the gift and parents are the ones who give. I know not of tiger mothers, but He speaks of lamb mothers with the heart of the Lion of Judah who lay down their lives for the sheep. Who lay down happiest laughter, realest joy, lay down story and wonder and questions and discovery and prayers and protective boundaries and words that make souls stronger, who lay down memoried loved upon memoried love and here we might.

In her sleep, she stirs and I am stirred too. I get to do this!

This moment isn’t a forever grace but amazing grace....

I so much appreciate this mom's wisdom and the beautiful way of putting it into words--"words that make souls stronger."

the day after it snowed-taken from the balcony of the Dances' house

chilling with chilled teethers

Blueberry face

my homemade bread

my beautiful lamb

tummy timing Ti

Bedtime thoughts

Her teeth are brushed.  She's in her pull-up and P.J.s for the night.  She kisses her brother good night and plays quietly in her room while I put Ti down for the night in our room.

I nurse Ti in peace and quiet and lay him down awake.  Thankfully he usually does not protest.  I kiss him good night and go back to Ari's room.

We lay down in the twin mattress on the floor and she wants to read ALL the Barenstain Bear books, of course.  I tell her we only have time for one tonight because it's very late...   She hands me a book and wants me to read it while she reads another one on her own... She does this often--wanting to read side by side.  But I tell her I want to read to her and she gives in after a bit of persuasion.  (I'm just too tired and hungry tonight and would like her to fall asleep soon... this time feels like just another chore...I just want it to be over...)   She has a question on every page as I read.  (I wonder if she's trying to prolong staying awake...and it irritates me.)

Some random nights she tells me to go away and she falls asleep by herself but lately she's wanting me to stay with her.
I try and help her process the day...by asking questions and help her answer about things we saw,did and felt throughout the day.  Then we lay there together in the semi dark room and I keep reminding her that it's time to close her eyes and go to sleep.  After a few reminders, it is quiet.  I carefully look over at her face.  Two bright sparkles...she's staring at the ceiling... unaware that my eyes are on her.

I stare at her precious little face beside me in the dark... I wonder what her beautiful little sparkling eyes are seeing...what she's thinking about.

I pray for Joy in my heart... for eyes to see through daily routines and tasks to be accomplished...the ability to stop and recognize the treasure and wonder... to serve my children not only good and healthy food for the body but for their souls, as God offers mine through them.

moved in...again!

Our friends from our small group Nick and Naomi have graciously offered us to move into their house and take care of their house while they're gone to the States for the next three months.  This actually helps us in many ways...so much space for Ari to play in, my parents, grandparents and aunts are closer so we can see them more often before we go back to the U.S., financially, logistically...  it is a blessing!  It happened so fast that last week was a whirlwind.

Ari and Ti are taking their afternoon naps and I am enjoying a cup of green tea sitting in this bright sunlit living room soaking in peace and solitude of the moment.  The only con about living here is that Daniel has to commute long hours everyday.  He lives around 11 in the morning and doesn't come home until about 8:30 at night.  Poor hubby!  We exchange a couple of text messages during the day and try to stay connected...

This morning during Ti's nap, I went for a run around the neighborhood.  It's been so long I was quickly out of breath but boy, did it feel good!!!  I came back to nice smell of cookies baking in the oven and my hubby and Ari working in the kitchen.

Sometimes it seems that I have a third child in the form of a little dino.

She did it all by herself!

eating a strawberry picked right in Nick and Naomi's living room!

Strolling on the balcony

 (Vitamin) Gummy bears waiting to be eaten--she needs to finish her lunch first!

walking away

Saturday... it's been a full week with Daniel's work in full swing and me at home with two... some days seem just too long.  This morning Daniel had a guys' meeting.  After the kids' afternoon naps we decided to go to Myeongdong.  The weather was perfect.  We walked down the hill and to the bus stop.  Myeongdong was...well...crowded.  We bought Ari a pair of dress shoes from the streets.  I did my best to find super flexible ones but after having seen her walk in them this afternoon, I'm not so sure about them...I think I'm going to order a good pair on ebay after all.

Ti was in a borrowed B'jorn facing the world and Ari was walking.  Everyone stopped to say what dolls they were. :)  My kids are like stars here...something special about living here...since Korea is not yet so diverse, mixed culture kids often stand out and most people adore them.

I bought a couple of shirts at H & M while Daniel and Ari shared cotton candy outside.  Ari and I also shared a buttered dried squid.  She loves it.  She IS Korean. :P

It was time for dinner so we began looking for a place to eat.  Daniel wanted to get out of the busy crowded area to find somewhere to eat.  I wanted to eat something different and knew that those places would be right where the crowds were.  After arguing, we went into a restaurant but realized there were people smoking right next to us so we left.  We ended up finding a bit quieter area and ate bibimbop at a traditional Korean restaurant.  When we got to the restaurant, Ari wanted to go to the bathroom.  I took her and found out that she had already started to go #2 in her pull up so Daniel went and got a new pull up since we didn't bring any.  While I was in the restroom taking care of Ari, Daniel was waiting at our table with Ti.  He had woken up from a nap and was crying.  When I came out Daniel told me that the manager at the restaurant took crying Ti and fed him a spoonful of barley tea (common beverage at restaurants instead of plain water)!  Well, when we left the lady said that she learned later on that it was bean sprout soup (salty)--they look similar so she thought it was the tea.  I just had to bite my tongue...(she meant good...just being Korean).   So Ti's started on solids? by some random restaurant manager in Korea...  Daniel tried to intervene...

The whole time at dinner, Daniel was busy trying to have Ari sit still (even if we bring some crayons and paper, she wouldn't) and I was busy trying to eat fast and nurse Ti--trying to wash down that soup he apparently had earlier and get it out of his system!  Daniel and I of course barely looked into each other's eyes at dinner.  Life is crazy with two at this point.  Ti was super talkative though.


So it was after dinner when we tried to go home...It was pretty late and I was tired out.  Daniel wanted to take the bus back and walk up the hill and I really wanted to just grab a taxi and get dropped off at our door!  I kept trying to change his mind and he kept trying to change mine.  Reluctantly I gave in and we were at the bus stop.  He carried Ti.  When the bus came, he told me to flag him down because sometimes they don't stop.  I did but the bus driver just drove on by.  Daniel said that I didn't make an eye contact with the driver and that's why he didn't notice us... I got furious at that point... We argued some more and then I just walked away...from all three of them.  I just kept walking.  I was fuming with rage.  I had no plans.  I said out loud, "I've had enough!"

I just walked around Myeongdong eating street foods until I ran out of cash.  I decided I wasn't going to worry about Ti if he needed to nurse or not.
When I ran out of cash, I got on the subway and got back to Seoul station.  I sat at a coffee shop.  I didn't come home until about 10...soon after Daniel texted me and said he was worried about me.

One of the things I was thinking about while walking around Myeongdong was my birth mom.  She whom I have never heard from since she left me and my brother when we were just 5 and 3.  She whom I do not know.  And then there's my first step mom who left us and my half brother few years later.  I sobbed.  It scared me to realize how easy walking away was and how easy it seemed, to be honest, to just forget...  I also thought about my cousin who recently filed a divorce and left her four year old son.

I walk up the hill by myself in the dark and I feel ashamed.
Daniel is finishing up dishes when I walk in the door.  Our precious little lambs are asleep.  We don't say anything until the next morning.

Lately, I feel like I am running really low on Joy.

in sync

The last couple of weeks have been a challenge for me with Ari, I admit.  It seems that growing up is hard to do for both of us.  Daniel was home more since he was transitioning into his new schedule and the usual routines I had with kids were therefore interrupted.  I kept feeling more and more out of sync with her and she even seemed like a different kid.


Since Daniel began his new job (still teaching English but at one school instead of a whole bunch) he is home in the mornings.  I was able to just take Ari on special dates a couple of times last week.  One day we took a long walk to a pretty nice park we'd never been to before--because of so many motorcyclists and cars in tight roads, I ended up carrying her half the way which was nice but boy, she feels heavy!  We stopped at a stationary store and got some face paint.  She was so excited we tried it on as soon as we got home.

One of her favorite things to do with me is taking a bath together... well, more like splashing around with me in the tub with her.  Today Ti took good naps and had a big poop explosion that required a bath and another load of laundry.  After his little sink bath, Ari wanted a bath with me so we took a bath together while Ti took his last nap late afternoon.  She seems more secure and content.  I'm slowly beginning to feel more in sync with her... it is amazing what difference it makes in how I feel about myself as a mother.

Talking about my daughter...I have a confession to make.  We have not gotten her a new pair of shoes since we left the States!  I've finally noticed how she falls so often and easily outside and I can definitely see that she needs bigger size shoes desperately when putting her shoes on.  I measured her size to be about 14 inches today.  I have no idea where to buy good quality toddler shoes here in Korea... there are many cute looking kids' shoes everywhere here but I just don't trust they're really comfortable or quality.  I hope we can find something close to StrideRite.


Ari is getting better and better at being a big sister to Ti.  Ti shows that he likes and loves her too by watching her intently and smiling or laughing while he watches her.  I noticed also how Ari always looks for Ti before anything or anyone else when she wakes up from her nap.  She's so happy to play by him, give him attention, touch him and try to "help" him roll over and move around.  I'm amazed at how much interaction I already see happening between the two of them.  It gives me such satisfaction and joy and reason to look forward to months and years to come as they get older!

mama's boy...hehe

sibling hanging out together :P

check out my cool panda bottom!

Ti laughing at Ari jumping

My all time favorite picture of Ari:

One last little note:  I found WHOLE grain pasta!!!  at a grocery store across the street from our church!  I've been looking for whole grain pasta for so long!  It felt so good to feed that to Ari at dinner tonight!  Wholesome goodness!  Oh, I can't wait to go back to Trader Joe's!

...

So my birth story is still not finished and Ti's 100 days celebration has passed already.  Ti is rolling over and getting ever so strong and showing more of his pleasant, content, easy going personality and Ari is growing leaps and bounds as well in her will to be her own person!  Daniel has started his new schedule and liking working with his new boss as well as traveling to just one place instead of all over Seoul.  We've had one week of Spring-like weather so far.  The world is changing and in motion, everyone around me seems to be changing, like going somewhere.... as for me and myself, I honestly feel stuck...like a hamster in its wheel.

Happy Chinese New Year

We have a Korean children's book called New Clothes for New Year's Day translated into English.  The illustrations are colorful with the bold colors of Korean traditional clothes called Hanbok and the story is about a little girl excitedly putting on her new hanbok her mom made for her on Chinese New Year's Day.  It ends with her standing outside in the snow with two dogs ready to go visit relatives to wish them a happy new year with the traditional Korean bow (your hands folded neatly on your forehead touching the floor as you sit to bow).  That is the tradition.

Arielle and I have enjoyed reading it together as we anticipated Chinese New Year's Day.  She learned how to do this bow and the exact line she was to say while she bowed in Korean.  While we were visiting my family these past couple of days my step mom and grandma took her out and bought her her own hanbok!  The story became her own and she was so cute and happy in her new hanbok.  She did the bow a few times and earned quite a bit of money. :)  I wish I had a better picture... but here's the only one we caught, unfortunately! (The photo in the frame above her head is Daniel and I at our wedding in our traditional clothes 5 years ago!)

my beautiful Korean daughter :P

Ari got to try the violin (after seeing a relative play it once she knew just what to do!)

my grandma's 78th(?) birthday was the day before Chinese New Year's

my grandpa holding Ti while my youngest brother entertains him

Ari's special "seat"

her new coat

The four of us slept with my dad and step mom neatly laying side by side like matchsticks on the floor of their little room during our stay there.  It wasn't anything new to me but my poor American husband. :P  He did not complain one bit!  One night the floor was too cold and then the next night it was boiling hot.  Our little kiddos brought much laughter and smile upon my family's faces and I guess it was all worth it.  :)

Daniel got a haircut and highlights.  My step mom took the four of us out and pampered us with new hairdos.  We were all at a hair salon for a few hours... Ti had a poop explosion but thankfully there was only one other customer besides us.  I got a "safe for nursing mothers" perm too.

On a side note, I have begun drafting my birth story with Ti recently.  I probably will not be posting anything else until I finish that.  It really is becoming more than a birth story but I feel the need to chronicle the whole story before our time in Korea comes to a close.  (Don't worry, it won't take months! :)  In fact, Ti's 100th day celebration is coming up in less than two weeks! so I will need to finish the story by then for sure.