walking away

Saturday... it's been a full week with Daniel's work in full swing and me at home with two... some days seem just too long.  This morning Daniel had a guys' meeting.  After the kids' afternoon naps we decided to go to Myeongdong.  The weather was perfect.  We walked down the hill and to the bus stop.  Myeongdong was...well...crowded.  We bought Ari a pair of dress shoes from the streets.  I did my best to find super flexible ones but after having seen her walk in them this afternoon, I'm not so sure about them...I think I'm going to order a good pair on ebay after all.

Ti was in a borrowed B'jorn facing the world and Ari was walking.  Everyone stopped to say what dolls they were. :)  My kids are like stars here...something special about living here...since Korea is not yet so diverse, mixed culture kids often stand out and most people adore them.

I bought a couple of shirts at H & M while Daniel and Ari shared cotton candy outside.  Ari and I also shared a buttered dried squid.  She loves it.  She IS Korean. :P

It was time for dinner so we began looking for a place to eat.  Daniel wanted to get out of the busy crowded area to find somewhere to eat.  I wanted to eat something different and knew that those places would be right where the crowds were.  After arguing, we went into a restaurant but realized there were people smoking right next to us so we left.  We ended up finding a bit quieter area and ate bibimbop at a traditional Korean restaurant.  When we got to the restaurant, Ari wanted to go to the bathroom.  I took her and found out that she had already started to go #2 in her pull up so Daniel went and got a new pull up since we didn't bring any.  While I was in the restroom taking care of Ari, Daniel was waiting at our table with Ti.  He had woken up from a nap and was crying.  When I came out Daniel told me that the manager at the restaurant took crying Ti and fed him a spoonful of barley tea (common beverage at restaurants instead of plain water)!  Well, when we left the lady said that she learned later on that it was bean sprout soup (salty)--they look similar so she thought it was the tea.  I just had to bite my tongue...(she meant good...just being Korean).   So Ti's started on solids? by some random restaurant manager in Korea...  Daniel tried to intervene...

The whole time at dinner, Daniel was busy trying to have Ari sit still (even if we bring some crayons and paper, she wouldn't) and I was busy trying to eat fast and nurse Ti--trying to wash down that soup he apparently had earlier and get it out of his system!  Daniel and I of course barely looked into each other's eyes at dinner.  Life is crazy with two at this point.  Ti was super talkative though.


So it was after dinner when we tried to go home...It was pretty late and I was tired out.  Daniel wanted to take the bus back and walk up the hill and I really wanted to just grab a taxi and get dropped off at our door!  I kept trying to change his mind and he kept trying to change mine.  Reluctantly I gave in and we were at the bus stop.  He carried Ti.  When the bus came, he told me to flag him down because sometimes they don't stop.  I did but the bus driver just drove on by.  Daniel said that I didn't make an eye contact with the driver and that's why he didn't notice us... I got furious at that point... We argued some more and then I just walked away...from all three of them.  I just kept walking.  I was fuming with rage.  I had no plans.  I said out loud, "I've had enough!"

I just walked around Myeongdong eating street foods until I ran out of cash.  I decided I wasn't going to worry about Ti if he needed to nurse or not.
When I ran out of cash, I got on the subway and got back to Seoul station.  I sat at a coffee shop.  I didn't come home until about 10...soon after Daniel texted me and said he was worried about me.

One of the things I was thinking about while walking around Myeongdong was my birth mom.  She whom I have never heard from since she left me and my brother when we were just 5 and 3.  She whom I do not know.  And then there's my first step mom who left us and my half brother few years later.  I sobbed.  It scared me to realize how easy walking away was and how easy it seemed, to be honest, to just forget...  I also thought about my cousin who recently filed a divorce and left her four year old son.

I walk up the hill by myself in the dark and I feel ashamed.
Daniel is finishing up dishes when I walk in the door.  Our precious little lambs are asleep.  We don't say anything until the next morning.

Lately, I feel like I am running really low on Joy.