thoughts on motherhood...so far

I am home all day everyday.  I take care of my two little lambs.  I have given up on going anywhere with them here at least for now without a car and without my husband.  Everything and everyone is too far.  I might take a little walk in the neighborhood.  I am too shy or lazy to seek out people to get together and spend time with... this is probably why I feel like I am going crazy some days....I have no real break.  It is tiring.  I am mostly not sure if what I'm doing or not doing is best for them.  So many days I let pass with just routines and trying to control things and even my kids... I ignore the preciousness, the wonder and privilege of what I am given to do.  I am anxious and easy to get upset or uptight.  I miss opportunities of laughter, love, pure joy... for some reason I find myself having a real hard time focusing on the moments of here and now...  Then I have a few moments to think here and there... and realize that I need to chill and bathe in the tub of Grace...until every pore on my skin opens up and soaks in the moisture of Grace.  I really cannot do this alone...nor was it ever meant to be done alone!   I don't mean my husband or friends here.  I mean God.  I am forced to go directly to Him more than ever here when I have no access to friends "down the street." 
Learning the dance (house sitting at the Dances' :P) of paradox of becoming a servant (Lamb Mothers and Amazing Grace) and a teacher (The science of empathy).  I trip and fall quite often...but it becomes so obvious that I need Jesus everyday.  He really was and is the perfect model of motherhood--the unrestrained empathy and "safe strength" I find in Him both. He is my perfect "Mother."

I read the two articles recently-- thanks to friends who share great things to read on facebook. :)  I keep going back to this quote from the first article by Ann Voskamp:

...I had this, all this. I might not have.

At the poolside, she had smiled and reached to cup me too, us both with wet cheeks, us both laughing anyways, her eyes so blue and I could see straight through that she is never for me, children never for us, to please us, to fulfill us, but I am for her, to nurture and protect and serve and children are the gift and parents are the ones who give. I know not of tiger mothers, but He speaks of lamb mothers with the heart of the Lion of Judah who lay down their lives for the sheep. Who lay down happiest laughter, realest joy, lay down story and wonder and questions and discovery and prayers and protective boundaries and words that make souls stronger, who lay down memoried loved upon memoried love and here we might.

In her sleep, she stirs and I am stirred too. I get to do this!

This moment isn’t a forever grace but amazing grace....

I so much appreciate this mom's wisdom and the beautiful way of putting it into words--"words that make souls stronger."

the day after it snowed-taken from the balcony of the Dances' house

chilling with chilled teethers

Blueberry face

my homemade bread

my beautiful lamb

tummy timing Ti