Safe to Cry

I am not sure if her last molars were bothering her especially or she was just feeling overly tired from being out so long on Sunday.  Maybe it's some other reasons entirely, but all day yesterday, Ari was on the verge of frustrations, whining, crying and avoiding using her words at all costs no matter how many times I would ask her nicely and calmly to use her words instead of whining.  It was like she was determined to test me.

Mondays usually seem much longer and feel like harder days for me anyway.  My housekeeping helper, came and cleaned in the morning as usual.  At least the house was clean--I feel so much more relaxed and happy in a clean and orderly environment.  I've been trying to work on Ari's potty training a bit lately so I put her in training underwear reminding her a few times to tell mommy when she needs to go pee.  She wet two pieces of her underwear and told me after the fact.  I also kept forgetting to put her on the potty every hour or so while taking care of Ti.  She usually tells me and does great on some days with going pee on the potty and keeping her underwear dry.  It didn't go well today.  I haven't seen a stool tall enough to help her get to the potty herself here so I always have to help her when she needs to use it.  This makes it more challenging while I take care of Ti.

I laid Ti down on the couch and left Ari by him to get something out of her room real quick and when I returned I found Ari hitting Ti on the face with a fly swat.  I made sure he was okay, grabbed and took Ari into her room immediately and gave her a spank with the fly swat with a repeated explanation that hurting others especially babies earns a spank.  She cried and cried.  I was pretty angry.

I tried to do a reading and craft activity with her at one point while Ti was napping but she wasn't interested.  She kept coming out of her room when she was supposed to stay in her room and rest/nap.  I was trying to put Ti down for his nap and couldn't put her back to her room so I let her stay in our room under the condition that she had to be quiet and laying down.  She kept moving around and talking...so it ended up with another crying session.

By her bedtime when she, ignoring my words again, tried to play on the ipod while I was nursing Ti and telling her that it was time to read and get to bed, I'd had enough.  I ran completely out of patience (the little that I had).  I told her in an angry voice that I'm not reading to her because mommy's too upset right now because she would not listen so she needs to go to bed without reading tonight.  She kept saying Mommy read?  I want you read... when I didn't respond, she began crying and then I was more than done, felt so out of control.  I told her that I'm leaving her because she was crying.  I kept threatening her that I would leave the minute she started to cry one more time.  She couldn't control anymore...she tried to keep her tears back (this breaks my heart) but she couldn't help it... I screamed...which made Ti cry also in my arms.  I stormed out of her dark room closing the door behind me and Ti hearing her cry getting louder.  She's only a toddler... what have I done!

I often tell Ari that I don't like her crying, I want her to stop crying, I will be there if she's all done crying....etc... basically telling her that I am not going to be there to comfort her when that might be what she needs the most...  but to be honest, I really can't stand her crying...it makes me anxious, angry, insecure, or like I'm a bad parent...it makes me feel bad about myself... I think of last summer when I teared up in front of my dad...he reacted the same way I naturally do to Ari when she cries.  Crying was never okay or allowed in my family growing up.  For some reason, they couldn't stand anyone crying in the family.  Crying needed to be done in secret and that is what I did often.

I am a crier.  It doesn't take much to make me cry.  I always have been ever since I was little.  My grandpa used to say whenever I would cry in front of him that I should just go cry at the village well so my tears will fill it up.  I was not comforted often--I had no mom or dad to go to.  I was to hide and just be done crying.  I would talk to Jesus.  I think I believed He would comfort me... it seemed like He would understand pain, shame, and whatever I was feeling.  I took comfort at His cross... although it wasn't until while I was at Moody that I began to take comfort there because I knew I am a sinner--more than a helpless victim.

When Ti went down, I went back to Ari's room.  She was still awake.  In the dark, I picked her up and felt her little cheeks all covered with tears.  I held her tight and told her that my heart was hurting and that I was sorry for screaming.  Even before I asked her for forgiveness, she kept saying, "It's okay, mommy, mommy it's okay... even mommy cries sometimes..."  I had told her that some time ago.  I cried and we listened to "Baby dear..." (I'm not sure what it's actually called but this is what we call it) by Raffi as we rocked in our chair on the floor.  She fell asleep in my arms.

It makes me so scared that I might be repeating this as I raise my children... the abandonment, the hostility...that I felt from my family when I was growing up.  I want Ari and Ti to come running to me or Daniel when they need comfort and need to cry.  I want them to feel that it is perfectly safe to cry in our arms and that we will always be there to comfort them...as in our Creator, our Redeemer's bosom.  Yesterday I failed.

I take comfort in the truth that there is nothing that I have done or will do that God cannot redeem...    As I sit at the Cross of Christ again, broken, I must drink deep from the well of His love and mercy as I cry here.  Change me God and help me become my children's comforter as You are to me everyday.  There is hope for change as there is mercy.  Remind me every time and help me love them well because it does not feel natural to me.

Tomorrow we are off to my family's for the lunar new year's holiday for the rest of the week.