holding hands

Ari is not much of a snuggler... I don't know if this is because she is just a busy toddler yet and I'm just expecting too much at this time...or maybe I've hurt her little toddler heart and soul and she feels resentment... or that's just how she's wired... or maybe it's all of the above... anyway, I always carry around this fantasy about her and I curled up together in a couch, snuggling, stroking each other's hair, reading, lounging...  will this dream ever come true?  She seems to need times like this and physical affection but I'm generally not sure how to do that in ways that she feels completely free and safe.

I love reading to her.  Tonight before I kissed her goodnight we read two Berenstain Bear books.  She's been falling asleep by herself this whole week... shedding some tears and facing some fears of monsters and the "big bad wolf."  Actually, since this whole new thing began, we were able to talk more about the "big bad wolf" and I basically tell her that it is our imagination and if she's still scared, that I have chased it far far away.  Then she goes on to do something else.

I don't know if giving her this opportunity to learn to be okay with falling asleep by herself is helping her build self-esteem or making her insecure...  (should I have waited till she's older and really understand that it's our imagination?  I don't know...)  I can't wait till the day when falling asleep together gets to be a special time rather than a battle...  Anyway, it's begun... and I am so eager and excited to take her to the bookstore in Itaewon Saturday morning for her to pick out a new B.B. book for her reward!  She's sure happy to put those stickers on the chart everyday...

She was holding my hand while I was reading to her tonight...her soft little hand that fits perfectly inside mine.  She even put her head down on my lap and relaxed... I wanted to just snuggle up with her in her bed and go to sleep.  Instead, I kissed her good night and tucked her in...

Ti seems to be going through some developmental stuff... he is not all "easy" anymore.  Such is life of a mother of a four month old?

thoughts on motherhood...so far

I am home all day everyday.  I take care of my two little lambs.  I have given up on going anywhere with them here at least for now without a car and without my husband.  Everything and everyone is too far.  I might take a little walk in the neighborhood.  I am too shy or lazy to seek out people to get together and spend time with... this is probably why I feel like I am going crazy some days....I have no real break.  It is tiring.  I am mostly not sure if what I'm doing or not doing is best for them.  So many days I let pass with just routines and trying to control things and even my kids... I ignore the preciousness, the wonder and privilege of what I am given to do.  I am anxious and easy to get upset or uptight.  I miss opportunities of laughter, love, pure joy... for some reason I find myself having a real hard time focusing on the moments of here and now...  Then I have a few moments to think here and there... and realize that I need to chill and bathe in the tub of Grace...until every pore on my skin opens up and soaks in the moisture of Grace.  I really cannot do this alone...nor was it ever meant to be done alone!   I don't mean my husband or friends here.  I mean God.  I am forced to go directly to Him more than ever here when I have no access to friends "down the street." 
Learning the dance (house sitting at the Dances' :P) of paradox of becoming a servant (Lamb Mothers and Amazing Grace) and a teacher (The science of empathy).  I trip and fall quite often...but it becomes so obvious that I need Jesus everyday.  He really was and is the perfect model of motherhood--the unrestrained empathy and "safe strength" I find in Him both. He is my perfect "Mother."

I read the two articles recently-- thanks to friends who share great things to read on facebook. :)  I keep going back to this quote from the first article by Ann Voskamp:

...I had this, all this. I might not have.

At the poolside, she had smiled and reached to cup me too, us both with wet cheeks, us both laughing anyways, her eyes so blue and I could see straight through that she is never for me, children never for us, to please us, to fulfill us, but I am for her, to nurture and protect and serve and children are the gift and parents are the ones who give. I know not of tiger mothers, but He speaks of lamb mothers with the heart of the Lion of Judah who lay down their lives for the sheep. Who lay down happiest laughter, realest joy, lay down story and wonder and questions and discovery and prayers and protective boundaries and words that make souls stronger, who lay down memoried loved upon memoried love and here we might.

In her sleep, she stirs and I am stirred too. I get to do this!

This moment isn’t a forever grace but amazing grace....

I so much appreciate this mom's wisdom and the beautiful way of putting it into words--"words that make souls stronger."

the day after it snowed-taken from the balcony of the Dances' house

chilling with chilled teethers

Blueberry face

my homemade bread

my beautiful lamb

tummy timing Ti

Bedtime thoughts

Her teeth are brushed.  She's in her pull-up and P.J.s for the night.  She kisses her brother good night and plays quietly in her room while I put Ti down for the night in our room.

I nurse Ti in peace and quiet and lay him down awake.  Thankfully he usually does not protest.  I kiss him good night and go back to Ari's room.

We lay down in the twin mattress on the floor and she wants to read ALL the Barenstain Bear books, of course.  I tell her we only have time for one tonight because it's very late...   She hands me a book and wants me to read it while she reads another one on her own... She does this often--wanting to read side by side.  But I tell her I want to read to her and she gives in after a bit of persuasion.  (I'm just too tired and hungry tonight and would like her to fall asleep soon... this time feels like just another chore...I just want it to be over...)   She has a question on every page as I read.  (I wonder if she's trying to prolong staying awake...and it irritates me.)

Some random nights she tells me to go away and she falls asleep by herself but lately she's wanting me to stay with her.
I try and help her process the day...by asking questions and help her answer about things we saw,did and felt throughout the day.  Then we lay there together in the semi dark room and I keep reminding her that it's time to close her eyes and go to sleep.  After a few reminders, it is quiet.  I carefully look over at her face.  Two bright sparkles...she's staring at the ceiling... unaware that my eyes are on her.

I stare at her precious little face beside me in the dark... I wonder what her beautiful little sparkling eyes are seeing...what she's thinking about.

I pray for Joy in my heart... for eyes to see through daily routines and tasks to be accomplished...the ability to stop and recognize the treasure and wonder... to serve my children not only good and healthy food for the body but for their souls, as God offers mine through them.

moved in...again!

Our friends from our small group Nick and Naomi have graciously offered us to move into their house and take care of their house while they're gone to the States for the next three months.  This actually helps us in many ways...so much space for Ari to play in, my parents, grandparents and aunts are closer so we can see them more often before we go back to the U.S., financially, logistically...  it is a blessing!  It happened so fast that last week was a whirlwind.

Ari and Ti are taking their afternoon naps and I am enjoying a cup of green tea sitting in this bright sunlit living room soaking in peace and solitude of the moment.  The only con about living here is that Daniel has to commute long hours everyday.  He lives around 11 in the morning and doesn't come home until about 8:30 at night.  Poor hubby!  We exchange a couple of text messages during the day and try to stay connected...

This morning during Ti's nap, I went for a run around the neighborhood.  It's been so long I was quickly out of breath but boy, did it feel good!!!  I came back to nice smell of cookies baking in the oven and my hubby and Ari working in the kitchen.

Sometimes it seems that I have a third child in the form of a little dino.

She did it all by herself!

eating a strawberry picked right in Nick and Naomi's living room!

Strolling on the balcony

 (Vitamin) Gummy bears waiting to be eaten--she needs to finish her lunch first!

walking away

Saturday... it's been a full week with Daniel's work in full swing and me at home with two... some days seem just too long.  This morning Daniel had a guys' meeting.  After the kids' afternoon naps we decided to go to Myeongdong.  The weather was perfect.  We walked down the hill and to the bus stop.  Myeongdong was...well...crowded.  We bought Ari a pair of dress shoes from the streets.  I did my best to find super flexible ones but after having seen her walk in them this afternoon, I'm not so sure about them...I think I'm going to order a good pair on ebay after all.

Ti was in a borrowed B'jorn facing the world and Ari was walking.  Everyone stopped to say what dolls they were. :)  My kids are like stars here...something special about living here...since Korea is not yet so diverse, mixed culture kids often stand out and most people adore them.

I bought a couple of shirts at H & M while Daniel and Ari shared cotton candy outside.  Ari and I also shared a buttered dried squid.  She loves it.  She IS Korean. :P

It was time for dinner so we began looking for a place to eat.  Daniel wanted to get out of the busy crowded area to find somewhere to eat.  I wanted to eat something different and knew that those places would be right where the crowds were.  After arguing, we went into a restaurant but realized there were people smoking right next to us so we left.  We ended up finding a bit quieter area and ate bibimbop at a traditional Korean restaurant.  When we got to the restaurant, Ari wanted to go to the bathroom.  I took her and found out that she had already started to go #2 in her pull up so Daniel went and got a new pull up since we didn't bring any.  While I was in the restroom taking care of Ari, Daniel was waiting at our table with Ti.  He had woken up from a nap and was crying.  When I came out Daniel told me that the manager at the restaurant took crying Ti and fed him a spoonful of barley tea (common beverage at restaurants instead of plain water)!  Well, when we left the lady said that she learned later on that it was bean sprout soup (salty)--they look similar so she thought it was the tea.  I just had to bite my tongue...(she meant good...just being Korean).   So Ti's started on solids? by some random restaurant manager in Korea...  Daniel tried to intervene...

The whole time at dinner, Daniel was busy trying to have Ari sit still (even if we bring some crayons and paper, she wouldn't) and I was busy trying to eat fast and nurse Ti--trying to wash down that soup he apparently had earlier and get it out of his system!  Daniel and I of course barely looked into each other's eyes at dinner.  Life is crazy with two at this point.  Ti was super talkative though.


So it was after dinner when we tried to go home...It was pretty late and I was tired out.  Daniel wanted to take the bus back and walk up the hill and I really wanted to just grab a taxi and get dropped off at our door!  I kept trying to change his mind and he kept trying to change mine.  Reluctantly I gave in and we were at the bus stop.  He carried Ti.  When the bus came, he told me to flag him down because sometimes they don't stop.  I did but the bus driver just drove on by.  Daniel said that I didn't make an eye contact with the driver and that's why he didn't notice us... I got furious at that point... We argued some more and then I just walked away...from all three of them.  I just kept walking.  I was fuming with rage.  I had no plans.  I said out loud, "I've had enough!"

I just walked around Myeongdong eating street foods until I ran out of cash.  I decided I wasn't going to worry about Ti if he needed to nurse or not.
When I ran out of cash, I got on the subway and got back to Seoul station.  I sat at a coffee shop.  I didn't come home until about 10...soon after Daniel texted me and said he was worried about me.

One of the things I was thinking about while walking around Myeongdong was my birth mom.  She whom I have never heard from since she left me and my brother when we were just 5 and 3.  She whom I do not know.  And then there's my first step mom who left us and my half brother few years later.  I sobbed.  It scared me to realize how easy walking away was and how easy it seemed, to be honest, to just forget...  I also thought about my cousin who recently filed a divorce and left her four year old son.

I walk up the hill by myself in the dark and I feel ashamed.
Daniel is finishing up dishes when I walk in the door.  Our precious little lambs are asleep.  We don't say anything until the next morning.

Lately, I feel like I am running really low on Joy.

in sync

The last couple of weeks have been a challenge for me with Ari, I admit.  It seems that growing up is hard to do for both of us.  Daniel was home more since he was transitioning into his new schedule and the usual routines I had with kids were therefore interrupted.  I kept feeling more and more out of sync with her and she even seemed like a different kid.


Since Daniel began his new job (still teaching English but at one school instead of a whole bunch) he is home in the mornings.  I was able to just take Ari on special dates a couple of times last week.  One day we took a long walk to a pretty nice park we'd never been to before--because of so many motorcyclists and cars in tight roads, I ended up carrying her half the way which was nice but boy, she feels heavy!  We stopped at a stationary store and got some face paint.  She was so excited we tried it on as soon as we got home.

One of her favorite things to do with me is taking a bath together... well, more like splashing around with me in the tub with her.  Today Ti took good naps and had a big poop explosion that required a bath and another load of laundry.  After his little sink bath, Ari wanted a bath with me so we took a bath together while Ti took his last nap late afternoon.  She seems more secure and content.  I'm slowly beginning to feel more in sync with her... it is amazing what difference it makes in how I feel about myself as a mother.

Talking about my daughter...I have a confession to make.  We have not gotten her a new pair of shoes since we left the States!  I've finally noticed how she falls so often and easily outside and I can definitely see that she needs bigger size shoes desperately when putting her shoes on.  I measured her size to be about 14 inches today.  I have no idea where to buy good quality toddler shoes here in Korea... there are many cute looking kids' shoes everywhere here but I just don't trust they're really comfortable or quality.  I hope we can find something close to StrideRite.


Ari is getting better and better at being a big sister to Ti.  Ti shows that he likes and loves her too by watching her intently and smiling or laughing while he watches her.  I noticed also how Ari always looks for Ti before anything or anyone else when she wakes up from her nap.  She's so happy to play by him, give him attention, touch him and try to "help" him roll over and move around.  I'm amazed at how much interaction I already see happening between the two of them.  It gives me such satisfaction and joy and reason to look forward to months and years to come as they get older!

mama's boy...hehe

sibling hanging out together :P

check out my cool panda bottom!

Ti laughing at Ari jumping

My all time favorite picture of Ari:

One last little note:  I found WHOLE grain pasta!!!  at a grocery store across the street from our church!  I've been looking for whole grain pasta for so long!  It felt so good to feed that to Ari at dinner tonight!  Wholesome goodness!  Oh, I can't wait to go back to Trader Joe's!

...

So my birth story is still not finished and Ti's 100 days celebration has passed already.  Ti is rolling over and getting ever so strong and showing more of his pleasant, content, easy going personality and Ari is growing leaps and bounds as well in her will to be her own person!  Daniel has started his new schedule and liking working with his new boss as well as traveling to just one place instead of all over Seoul.  We've had one week of Spring-like weather so far.  The world is changing and in motion, everyone around me seems to be changing, like going somewhere.... as for me and myself, I honestly feel stuck...like a hamster in its wheel.